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  • To educate and entertain while promoting the spread of accurate information on the Amish and related peoples.

7 posts categorized "Love and Marriage"

October 05, 2007

My husband left the Amish; see Bella

On yesterday's husband and wife issue, I came across an old post on what happens when one partner leaves the Amish, while the other stays behind.  Click the link for more.


If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans

Also, I was fortunate enough to be invited to a screening of a new film last night.  What does this have to do with the Amish?  Not much, except that they would agree strongly with the message of the film.  The name is Bella, and it is going to be released October 26.  Take a friend and go see it.  Click here to find out more about it.  Well-acted, funny, and moving, while avoiding preachiness.  Could it be the next Passion of the Christ?

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October 04, 2007

A woman's place

...is where exactly?

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In Amish America, the primary role of the woman as homemaker has held steady for generations.  But there have been signs in recent years and decades that that may be changing, if ever so slightly.

Typically, young Amish girls and women work until marriage.  They are schoolteachers, waitresses, or hired hands in English and Amish homes.  In recent years, however, they have increasingly been stepping into 'male' roles.

A significant portion of single women hold factory jobs in the large settlements of northern Indiana, laboring on RV assembly lines next to male counterparts.  Furniture shops employ young women, and not just in secretarial or bookkeeping roles--a number of finishing shop owners recently shared with me that they prefer young girls for the job of applying the final coating to finished pieces, citing an eye for detail and methodical nature as two benefits of female help.

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But female employment can be tricky when it comes to turnover.  An Ohio wholesale business owner friend joked: 'one thing I've learned, you can't get 'em to sign a contract not to marry, not to have children, okay?'  Funny, but that is the reality.  Marriage and home duties usually end employment for most girls.

But it is not unheard of for Amish women to hold jobs even after marriage and kids.  One of my waitresses at the local diner in Goshen, Indiana was mother to two toddlers, picking up part time shifts once or twice a week.  Others, especially those with smaller families, will take on part-time or even full-time jobs.

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Lancaster County, especially, has seen a number of women in the business-owner's role, either partnering with husbands or running their own--even employing a husband as help, as Kraybill and Nolt reveal in Amish Enterprise.  Pretzel shops, produce stands, and quilt stores are all businesses that Amish women run successfully today.

In The Truth in Word and Work, subtitled A Statement of Faith By Ministers and Brethren of Amish Churches of Holmes Co., Ohio, and Related Areas, the male/female issue is addressed.  'The husband has the major responsibility of directing the home for the glory of Christ.  He needs to have the proper relationship with Christ in submission and self-denial to glorify his Head.  He is the God-delegated authority over the woman and is responsible for her actions in the home and in society.'

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Modern readers may scream 'sexist' at this sort of stuff, but after all, the Amish are Biblical fundamentalists in the purest sense of the term, and keeping that in mind, this shouldn't surprise.

In practice, however, the woman takes a very active role in the Amish home, and men will often consult with and even defer to their wives' wishes in many decisions concerning purchases and the home.  A good wife who runs a home well is highly respected.  Though the Amish woman cannot hold church office, she has equal voting rights in selecting new ministry and is able to voice her concerns before the church just as any man can.

The man as the head of the home--that idea makes feminists' skin crawl.  But let's be real about it.  In a number of Middle Eastern nations, the law sees the woman's worth as half that of a man's, after all.  Now that is something to be up in arms over.

July 19, 2007

A few highlights from the past week

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I always seem to have neat things happen to me during the week as I'm working.  I try to make a note of them for posts like this one.

Last week I was treated to a rendition of the Noah's Ark song (sung to the tune of 'Mary Had a Little Lamb', by five sisters, ages fifteen to two.  I'd heard the Amish sing from the Ausbund before, but never the more playful tunes in English.  Very nice.

Later that evening I sat in a contractor's kitchen as his three daughters one-by-one hopped up on his lap and sang their prayers to him as they always do before bed.  The last one, the youngest, sort of hummed the tune as she didn't quite know the words yet.  Afterwards he tried to translate the words of the prayer for me.  Really a special thing.


I also ran into my first-ever salesperson Amish mom.  She sells kitchenware among the community.  She likes it and is apparently is doing quite well.  I can see why as she has a very gregarious personality and a natural enthusiasm.
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A number of moms have their own source of income, some as business owners--craft shops, quiltmakers and bakeries are not unusual businesses for Amish women to have.  Typically Amish women will work before marriage, sometimes as teachers or waitresses, but usually give it up to be at home with the kids. 

Some will stay on though, like the laid-back waitress mom at the diner I ate at in Indiana last summer.  She managed work one or two days a week, a home and two little kids--no small feat.

May 14, 2007

Leaving

When a baptized Amish person leaves the community for another church, it can be a jarring experience, both for the family involved and for others in the church. 

And especially so, in the very rare occurrence when one party stays behind.

Most cases I have come across of Amish leaving have involved the full family;  one or two peculiar situations have not--with the wife remaining Amish.

Amish_children_2_2Awkward situations can arise, to say the least, with only part of the family 'Amish', part buggying to church on Sundays with father remaining home, for example. 

It can be traumatic for kids who wonder why they can't have church service at their homes, and for the mother who has to answer their questions, perhaps forced to face a seeping social stigma from within her own community.

 

photo: illinoisfamily.org

 

An excerpt from Brad Igou's The Amish In Their Own Words reveals the struggle:

We never discussed his leaving the church;  he just went.  What a shock it was!  I was so ashamed to say that I did as Satan wanted me to do:  I quit praying.  There were no arguments between my husband and myself, but I was drifting right along with him, although I still went to our church.  Then God held me back from taking that step [of leaving the Amish]...


The mere discomfort of awkward family gatherings would pale in comparison to what many Amish would consider a far more important matter:  the well-being of the self-exiled person's soul. 

Amish vary in opinion on those who leave and join other churches;  one solution, acceptable to some, has it that an Amish person who leaves but joins a similarly-minded (ie Mennonite) church, and makes a confession, will avoid being shunned

Others may simply refuse to shun family members who have left.  This despite the idea that perhaps the greatest measure of 'success' in this non-individualistic society is the number of your children who choose church membership.


For some, the numbers don't matter as much as maintaining closeness with their loved ones, regardless of the faith they've chosen, regardless of the fact that they've broken a vow.


Yet others will be shunned--and hard--by father, brother, sister, mother, for years.

May 05, 2007

Paying with Plastic

Random fact:
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Some Amish use credit cards.

Amish are definitely not credit-averse (after all that's how most of them pay for their homes and farms), but credit cards themselves would depend a lot on local custom and Ordnung.

I've been in communities where they are surprisingly common, and in others where they are unheard of.


How do the Amish typically buy stuff, for that matter? 


Some people are surprised to hear that almost every Amish adult will have a checking account, or hold one jointly with a spouse.  If you do get a check from an Amish person, it's pretty much as good as cash. 

Out of around eight or nine hundred checks I've received from Amish folks, only one ever lacked funds--and that was only temporary due to a money-transfer glitch.



Many outsiders would consider the Amish way of making purchasing decisions traditional at best and sexist at worst. 

Amish women will do general shopping and handle buying home items of their own accord, but almost always defer more substantial purchases to their husband--or at least prefer to make the decision in consultation with him.

Rare exceptions may include those women who run their own business, have a husband that works away a lot, or simply those particularly 'liberated' Amish wives, to use a modern term that doesn't quite fit the context. 

But many husbands defer to wives.  I've often heard the equivalent of the quite modern 'honey, whatever you think' from an indifferent father. 

Many mainstream Amish see marriage as a partnership, just as we 'regular people' do.  And a lot of things mom just knows how to handle best, after all.

March 16, 2007

Makes eating soup easier too

Beard but no mustache.

Why?

Stephen Scott gives possible reasons in Why Do They Dress That Way?

1) 'Evil-looking' European soldiers used to wear curly mustaches.  Amish shaved theirs to set themselves apart.

2) The mustache has been considered unclean.
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As far as beards go, married men wear them, to varying length.  In some communities, unmarried men of a certain age can too. 

Beards range from long and straggly-looking to short and chiseled-neat.  This may reflect how progressive or conservative a group is. 

Some Amish have very impressive beards.  That said, a tip for travelers to Amish America:  look, admire, but never tug. 

January 10, 2007

The Key to Explosive Growth

The Amish, according to Julia Erickson of Temple University, are among the fastest-growing communities in the world, with an average of seven children per family.


Must be something in the water.